A louis swan christmas special transcript

This is the transcript for the episode. The episode info is  here.

* The screen shows a red background with white snowflakes falling and the text "Happy Holidays" in the center. The scene then changes to Chef Pee pee looking at the Christmas tree.*

Chef Pee pee: Ah, soon there'll be presents under this tree.

* Homer makes a loud whine*

Chef Pee pee: Oh my god! What do you want, Homer?

Homer: I'm not gonna get anything!

Chef Pee pee: You're not gonna get anything? Why, 'cause you've been a little prick?

* Homer makes a loud groan*

Homer: It's 'cause I never mailed my list to Santa!

Chef Pee pee: I can't understand you.

Homer: I never mailed my list to Santa!!

Chef Pee pee: You never mailed your list to Santa?

Homer: How was I supposed to?!

Chef Pee pee: Homer it's Christmas eve!!

Homer: No, no biggie!

Chef Pee pee: Yes it is a biggie. Oh, you're getting nothing.

* Scene cuts to Homer and Chef Pee pee walking to a desk.*

Chef Pee pee: Homer, come on! Let's go get a pen and paper and write it!

Homer: Okay.

Chef Pee pee: Come on.

* Homer whines*

Homer: What happens if he doesn't get it in time?!

Chef Pee pee: If he doesn't get it in time, it's your fault!!

* Homer cries loudly*

Chef Pee pee: You gotta be kidding me. Come on.

* The scene changes to Homer at the desk with a piece of paper. Chef Pee pee drops a pen on it*

Chef Pee pee: Get writing. I have to go make all that stupid cooking crap, so I'm gonna make some a...whatever 's in the fridge...for the Christmas...eve feast? I don't know, forget it.

* Chef Pee pee leaves, and Homer starts writing.*

Homer: My handwriting is not that good, but I'll give it my all. Dear...uh oh...uh oh, I think I broke it. Dear Santa,... I wunt...a...Good Days...men-a-yoo...for...Christ...moose. And...I...also wunt...a...

* homer stops to think*

Homer: Ah!

* pen snaps*

Homer: Oops. That pen's broken!

* Homer throws the pen and gets a new one*

Homer: I also wunt...Lip stick for a sloppy joes.

* Homer flexes*

Homer: That's how I got these bad boys.

* Homer jams the pen down hard on the paper repeatedly*

Homer: Period! Time to mail it!

* Crumble it into a ball*

Homer: Chef Pee pee I'm ready to m-mail it!

* Scene changes to Chef Pee pee in the kitchen looking in the fridge.*

Chef Pee pee: What should I make...hmm...Waffles! Those'll be good, since my family never gets any food!

* Chef Pee pee throws the bag onto the counter*

Homer: Chef Pee pee!

Chef Pee pee: Oh, oh, what? What is it?

Homer: My list is done, com see!

Chef Pee pee: Okay, I'm coming!

* Scene changes back to Homer's desk*

Chef Pee pee: Okay Homer, what is it?

* Homer falls over, his crumpled ball falling on the floor.*

Homer: My list.

Chef Pee pee: Homer, you just crinkled up a ball!

Homer: It's gonna get to him on time, trust me.

Chef Pee pee: Okay, I'll go- How about you go and put it in the mailbox. I'm extremely busy making waffles.

Homer: Okay!

* Scene changes back to Chef Pee pee in the kitchen.*

Chef Pee pee: Oh, boy! Everything in tip top shape! I think I can go to bed now.

Nick: Hey!

Chef Pee pee: What's up?

Nick: What the hell are these?!

Chef Pee pee: Dirty dishes...?

Nick: Dirty dishes, huh?!

* Nick hits one*

Why aren't they done?

Chef Pee pee: I'll do it right now!

Nick: You better do it! And the tuck Homer in.

* Chef Pee pee whines as he starts moving a large knife from the sink.

Chef Pee pee: This goes here...

* Chef Pee pee puts it in the holder*

Nick: Hey!

* The camera turns to reveal Nick hasn't left yet and is sitting on the fridge top watching Chef Pee pee.*

Nick: You're not doing it fast enough.

Chef Pee pee: ...Sorry.

Nick: Go faster...faster!

Chef Pee pee: Uh, faster?! Aaagh!

* He cuts himself on the knife on accident, blood flowing on the counter*

Nick: Aw, great. Now I gotta clean up.

* The scene changes to a shot of the fireplace, which is really just a screen, and moves to the dining table. The table is full of guests and many large plates.*

Little Woody: Nyow, Chew wee boy, chew wee boy, chew wee boy, woody, woody, woody.

Bowser: Oh, boy! The whole family!

Nick: Yeah, Chef Pee pee!

Chef Pee pee: What?

Nick: What are you doing?

Homer: I'm hungry!

* Homer bangs on his plate*

Nick: I know you're hungry, and so am I. Where are you?!

Chef Pee pee: I'm taking a shower!

Nick: Hurry up!!

* Camera cuts to Bowser and Luigi*

Luigi: Wow, big plate!

Bowser: What the hell is this?!... I hate you! You always-

Luigi: What do you mean?!

Bowser: I'm a desperate man. Why do you think I kidnap the princess?!

* Bowser switches the plates around*

Bowser: My big plate!

* The camera switched to R.O.B. and OFficer Chicken Fries.*

R.O.B.: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, spreading Christmas joy, ha ha ha-

Officer Chicken Fries: Shut up!

* R.O.B. turns to him.*

R.O.B.: Tell me one more time.

Officer Chicken Fries: Shut. Up.

* R.O.B. grabs him.*

R.O.B.: How do you feel about lung cancer?

Officer Chicken Fries:I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

R.O.B.: Do you want lung cancer?

Officer Chicken Fries: No!

* Rob lets him go and turns back to laughing.*

R.O.B.: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

* The camera cuts to Little Woody next to R.O.B.

Little Woody: Oh...Hey, I don't have a spoon. R.O.B., can I have your spoon?

R.O.B.: Sure, let me pass it to you.

* He slowly rotates to him, dropping the spoon on the floor. Little Woody lays his face on the plate.*

Little Woody: Aaaaahhh! Dang it!

* He gets up out of his seat to get the spoon, then puts it on his plate.*

R.O.B.: No crying on Christmas.

* The camera changes to show Krusty sitting next to Little Woody*

Little Woody: I'm bored. Hey, do you know any Christmas carols?

Krusty: Yeah, I know one. "Where is the medical Marijuana? Where is the medical Marijuana?? Where is the medical Marijuana???"

* Little Woody falls off the chair*

Little Woody: Ow!

* Homer hits his knife and fork on the plate*

Homer: Where's the food?!

Kitty: Shut up, gramp. I'm trying to satisfaction my tail! It's so pretty!

* He puts his tail in Homer's face, and it jump cuts to him back in his seat.*

Homer: Christmas is annoying, Santa didn't get my list!

* Homer throws his utensils.*

Homer: What's the p-

* Jump cut to Little Woody*

Little Woody: Santa didn't get your letter? You know what that means?

homer: What?

Little Woody: It means no presents for you! Ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha!

* Homer whines loudly*

Homer: I'm going to my room! Don't look for me!

Blizzard: I won't.

* Homer runs away and lights a lighter. He holds it up to the Christmas tree*

Blizzard: No desert!

Homer: No desert?

* Homer turns off the lighter*

Homer: Nevermind.

* The camera switched to the dinner table, showing empty plates*

Homer: Desert! deser- Where's the desert?

Blizzard: I lied. Only so you wouldn't set the tree on fire. Also, Santa didn't get your letter.

Homer: Santa didn't get my letter? No desert?

Blizzard: No desert. Or presents.